Everything starts somewhere and this is where my storytelling begins…
Many of you have probably wondered where I disappeared to over the past year and a half. Before this span, I was faithful about blogging every photo shoot, every wedding and every adventure. Then suddenly, silence…
Rest assured, I have been working. Quite hard in my own way, actually. I feel it’s time to start sharing what has been going on in my world.
In January and February of 2017 I had a mental and spiritual crisis, which broke my mind. I recognize that this sounds incredibly dramatic but in all honesty, it was. This crisis lead me to abandon my loved ones, my belongings and my reality. I went missing for several days and I was under the impression it was my time to die. Although I have dealt with depression my entire life, I was suicidal in a way I had never been before. I didn’t feel depressed. I felt euphoric. I was convinced higher powers were talking directly to me and giving me instructions on how to set up this world before it was destroyed. I became a puppet to these voices in my head. They told me what to do, where to go and what to say to the people around me for about 2 months. I was not stable. I was not based in reality.
After a long chain of events, I ended up being institutionalized…twice. The first time did very little good for a variety of reasons. Mainly, I wasn’t ready to accept that I had a problem. I felt better emotionally than I ever had. The second visit to the hospital managed to help ground me with the use of lithium. It also helped that I had the realization that I was going to continue ending up in these hospitals if I didn’t get control of my mind.
After about a week, I was discharged with a piece of paper that would change my entire life…
So there it was. Psychiatric Diagnoses: Bipolar 1. Most Recent Episode: Manic with psychosis. Severe.
I hated that paper. Going into psychosis was like opening Pandora’s Box. I was exposed to everything that felt wrong in my world and this paper confirmed I had a mental disorder. This paper was put in a case file in a mental institution with my name on it. It didn’t feel right at the time. It was infuriating because I was 40 years old and I had never shown symptoms of this disorder beyond depression…or had I? I started reading about the symptoms and I realized pretty quickly that I actually have had symptoms my entire life.
This diagnosis explained so much about myself. It explained why I had trouble keeping friendships, why I went from a habitual liar (in my youth) to the incredibly honest person I am today. It explained why one minute I could feel like a rock star and why the next I could feel like the scum of the earth. It explained my hyper-sexuality and promiscuous behaviors (sorry parents). It explained why I always felt I was meant for more.
It explained so much but it also left me with a lot of questions…
What lead me to having a mental break?
Why did it take 40 years to be properly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder?
Has this disorder been the cause of years of suffering with my weight?
Was this the cause of me having issues keeping jobs in Corporate America?
What does this mean for my relationships?
Why do I no longer feel connected to the world the way that I used to?
Were any of my feelings ever real or were they just programmed because of my brain?
My list of questions goes on and on. I know I will never be able to fully answer all of the questions I have. Regardless, I want to be able to explore them as much as possible. I want to find the answers I can. I want to embrace all that has happened to make sense of my life. I want to share this exploration with others so that ultimately, others may see that if they suffer with anything that I do (depression, mania, anxiety, mood shifts, hyeper-sexuality, weight issues, etc.), they will realize that they are not alone.
So here I go. I am starting this blog to share my stories. The Bipolar Puppet. Word vomit for a girl living with Bipolar Disorder.