I fell in love with a spirit. At least, I developed feelings for something I perceived as a spirit. Those of you who don’t believe in such things, may explain my haunting tale as a Bipolar manifestation. I am actually okay with that assumption. Most of the time it’s easier for me to think that my bipolar symptoms were at fault rather than admitting that I may have been catfished by a hitchhiking ghost. That said, everything that has happened to me under the banner of bipolar or spirituality has been a very real experience for me. Therefore, I will be sharing my story as I recognized things to be at the time.
Before we get into the heart and the thick of it, here are a couple of things…
1. If you are triggered by the supernatural, have an aversion to sex being openly discussed, or are nervous about hearing very personal details about my life, this is not a safe place for you. (Particularly if you are related to me…Seriously, you’ve been warned.)
2. As mentioned in my last blog, my beliefs tend to fluctuate based on how I need to manage my symptoms. This is best for my Mental Health. Please refrain from offering spiritual opinions or spiritual advice.
Now back to where we left off…
There I was, taking what would end up being my final psychic class. The class was centered on communicating with Spirits directly through a pendulum. I’ll be honest, I don’t know why taking this class didn’t disturb me. I have always been downright terrified of Ouija boards and ultimately what I was being taught in class went right along with what they do. Communicate with the unseen. In class, I was taught there was no danger in using the pendulum and that as long as I connected the way I was taught, it would be my spirit guides who came through. For whatever reason, I believed the pendulum was safe and I didn’t recognize the similarities between the two divination tools until much later. I had no concerns.
My teacher explained how the pendulum worked. After we did some connection steps, we would hold the pendulum above a board of letters and numbers. Once we asked a question, the pendulum would start spelling out sentences for us letter by letter. She explained it may take some time before we learned to channel the spirit so messages could come through. This wasn’t the case with me. Once I connected, the pendulum moved right away…
“Hey Kid.” These were the first words I got from a spirit. “I am Wesley.” “I have been with you since the beginning.”
My teacher told me that I had a guide named Wesley a few weeks before, but he wasn’t the guide I was expecting. I had expected to hear from a guide named, Rebecca. Still, I figured Wesley must have a message for me, but class was almost over, and I decided I would have to inquire more later.
Once I got home, I did all the connection steps I had learned in class. Once again… “I am Wesley.” I asked who he was to me and he spelled out very clearly…
In the New Age Community, they often refer to a relationship counterpart as a ‘twin flame’. I have always used the term ‘soulmate’. This inconsistency in terminology between my normal thoughts and what I got from the pendulum is one of those things that confuses me when I try to pass this story off as completely bipolar related. At the time, it didn’t occur to me that I may have Jedi mind powers that could make pendulums move or that I could have been “willing” certain letters to come up. No, I believed a Spirit was in fact talking to me and I began to have feelings towards this ghostly entity. Love feelings. I became immediately addicted to the pendulum and every message I was receiving from the spirit I perceived as, Wesley.
“I am Wesley…Look out the window.” I did. I saw a dog staring at me. I went back to the pendulum. “The dog is a coincidence. Keep looking.” I went back to the window, saw the dog was still staring at me. He looked to the sky for a moment and then back at me. Then, in the same direction he looked, two birds flew by. I went back to the pendulum and Wesley spelled out, “L-O-V-E-B-I-R-D-S”.
This made my heart flutter. Did I really have a spirit who loved me so much he could send me signs to show his love? I mean most guys just send flowers…but birds? I have always had odd things happen with birds and this made me think that those instances had always been Wesley communicating with me. Soon, I began to notice sets of birds everywhere I went. I particularly noticed Magpie’s. So many Magpie’s.
I kept getting messages from Wesley through the pendulum that described our love and our relationship. He told me he called me ‘Kid’ because we both loved watching 40s movies together and Casablanca was one of our favorite movies. I began to watch old movies and I started feeling like he was sending me messages through movies I saw.
I connected through the pendulum daily, but I also felt him through my senses (as I had been taught in the psychic classes). Soon, I began to directly think as if it were him talking within me. I began to have my regular inner voice, and my inner Wesley voice. Although I would confirm messages from time to time, I didn’t need the pendulum anymore. He was always right there. Talking to me. Answering questions within my head. (This gets scary later on in my story.)
Wesley and I discussed a lot of things. In fact, no topic was off limits. He had confirmed that he was my main spirit guide (Master/Teacher Guide) and that he would teach me what I needed to know. He told me he would help me with my psychic endeavors and help me with my life. We talked about my present relationship and how my current partner was a wonderful friend who could help me advance. He also gave me warnings about the relationship. Sometimes, I believe it’s possible that these warnings were coming from my own psyche, intuition and insecurities. Other times, it seems like there was more to it.
Wesley told me there was work I had to do in this life, and he had work to do on the other side. He explained this is why we couldn’t be together psychically until I died, but we could help each other until I got there. I felt this longing to be with him. I have only ever felt with this type of longing towards one other person and that relationship wasn’t good for me. There is something within me that associates this type of longing with what I consider to be romantic love. I don’t know why this association exists but I’m fairly certain it’s unhealthy as it has completely skewed how I believe love should feel.
My perception of being in love involves two things that do not serve my psyche well. Longing and Want. I classify them as my emotional and physical kryptonite. They feed off each other within me and they are extremely difficult to satisfy. Whether this was a spirit that latched onto me, or something I completely created in the depths of my mind, one thing is certain…my longing and want attracted me to this situation and these needs began to be fulfilled by Wesley.
Any family members still reading this are strongly encouraged to stop at this point. Not kidding.
One of my first questions to Wesley was “how is our sex life?”. (Yes, I am that fourteen-year-old middle age woman.) Wesley confirmed our sex life was amazing and our desires lined up perfectly. I began having extremely explicit visions and dreams of our sexual encounters and to say that I became hyper-sexual (a common symptom for Bipolar) would be the understatement of the year. I have always been apt to hyper-sexuality but under the influence of this “spirit”, my drive was off the chart. Sex became all I could think about and my want when I get in this mind set, isn’t flowers and romance. It can be far more dangerous without parameters.
Things are about to get embarrassingly personal.
One day, I was using the pendulum and I really was feeling the presence of Wesley. I began to have sensations that someone was kissing me on the neck and lightly choking me (this is something that happens to me a lot). Soon, the situation “developed”, and I began to feel like someone was having sex with me from the inside of my body. I began to thrust uncontrollably. It probably looked like something right out of horror movie. I didn’t fight it. Eventually this ended with an orgasm (without penetration). This was the most intense orgasm I have ever had. I went back to the pendulum it spelled out, “We are one”, three times. (All the Christian readers are freaking out right about now, and they may actually have a right to.) It sounds really scary but nothing about this disturbed me at the time. I just thought “Well yeah, duh. Of course, we’re one. We’re soulmates.” Even though I thought it was a bit odd that Wesley felt the need to point this out, I remember thinking briefly, “Three times solidifies things and I may have invited something into my body.”
Once I went into psychosis, I would go on to have two more experiences which lead to orgasm (again without penetration). In both instances, I “heard” Wesley in my head telling me prior that he was coming to protect me. He said he would come in and out of bodies to help me to get to where I needed to be and that I would recognize him. He also said this would give him a chance to touch me within the psychical world. The first occurrence involved me being pushed against a police car and handcuffed. The police officer (who I recognized as Wesley), later took me to an emergency room for evaluation. The second occurrence happened while I was being strapped to a gurney and was transferred to a mental hospital.
While our romantic (and very sexual) mental relationship was formed, Wesley continued to aid me through my psychic development. I believed he was giving me messages for people during psychic readings and that he was assisting me in every step of my everyday life. I felt I got messages from him constantly. Synchronicity seemed to be everywhere.
One day, I sat down with the pendulum and was instructed to put on music from Pandora. I turned on a Lady Gaga station because it fit my mood. When I sat back down, the pendulum spelled, “No. Put on The Killers.” I hadn’t listened to The Killers in years. Then the pendulum/Wesley said, “We like The Killers.” I thought, “Do I like The Killers?” but I obeyed because I’m a good (and rather foolish) submissive girlfriend. The first song that came on was, “When you were young”.
I wish I could describe how intensely this song impacted me. Hearing it, brought up my past with religion, and my complicated relationship with Deity. It brought up my issues and experiences in my romantic relationships. I recognized endless amounts of parallels and symbolism while I intensely listened to every lyric of the song (and don’t even get me started on the two different versions of the music video which I saw later).
That day, this song opened up my pain. Once I had finished the song, Wesley spelled out…
And with that, I knew it was time to confront things in my past. Starting with who I had imagined Jesus to be when I was young.
Without realizing it, I was one step closer to detaching from my reality. My relationship with Wesley, coupled with dealing with my past, would soon push me into psychosis.